Dear friends,
If you are going to read this article, please read the entire comment thread, as well. People have brought up some important points that give essential political context to any discussion of Black masculinity and sexuality. Rich and clarifying offline conversations have also happened. As Black women, the author and I welcome contributions and criticisms in the spirit of liberating our people, all beings, and the earth. Peace!

[You may have noticed that, despite having studied sexuality in college, I don't write about sex on this blog anymore. That's because of some family stuff. But since sex positivity remains important to me, I wanted feature this really interesting guest blog from my friend, comrade, and fellow engaged Buddhist Skyla. Thanks Skyla!

–Kloncke]

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Dear David,

May I call you David? Thanks. I thought you’d feel that way. You seem eager to develop the intimacy between us. At least, that’s what I gleaned from what you said in your interview on MadameNoir.com, which was supposed to be about rapping with respect for women. Since the video title declares, “David Banner Speaks Exclusively To Women,” and I count myself in this category, and since you look at me through the camera and say things like, “I’m here to love you … touch you … hold you …”, I’m gonna go ahead and take your word for it that you are trying to make some sort of connection with me. Which, great! You seem smart and goofy, which I like, and in an interview about Trayvon Martin you talk about class war in a way that made me cheer out loud.

So David, since we’re fostering this connection, I want to offer some feedback about your analysis of your own song, “Play” — a song you refer to in the MadameNoire interview as “actual commentary” on your sex life, as well as “one of the dirtiest songs in the world.” And you’re right — this song is hella explicit!

(Static uncensored video and lyrics after the jump: NSFW)

[Lyrics]

Now, in your interview you lament the fact that most people missed the point of this song. They got too distracted by all the sexed-up language and missed your message: a message of respect for women. In your words:

Most men when they make songs it’s like “Girl come get in the car [etc etc I'll fuck this, fuck that, throw you out the car, etc etc].” I said, I want to make a song where a man is telling a woman what he wants to do to make her happy. … But, you know, it’s about respect. And it’s about making a woman feel comfortable with herself and with her sexuality and with her body. And if you can do that without making her feel violated, she’ll do whatever she can — and that’s what “Play” was. And people missed that!

So David, I mean, on one level, as a straight-identifying woman, I feel you. When we take a step away from the bestselling, mainstream narrative of men getting off on harming, humiliating, and not giving a fuck about women, that’s a good step to take. Further, you seem to be actively interested in women experiencing consensual sexual pleasure, which seems like a lovely, sex-positive interest to have.

But where does that leave us? Honestly, to me it comes off as just another feminist holla, or a way of indirectly bragging on your own masculinized prowess by being like, “yeah, do this, do that, i’m awesome because i enjoy making you / watching you cum.” I mean, like I say, that’s maybe better than “I’m awesome because I’ll beat the pussy up in a way that gives me pleasure and status regardless of how it makes you feel.” At the same time, it’s neither easy nor simple to escape the ‘male gaze’: in other words, the ways in which women’s pleasure primarily gains value and meaning insofar as it is seen through the eyes of men, and helps get men off. Like spectacle lesbianism. Know what I mean?

Maybe what would’ve changed that for me is if the song had contained more of a tone of wonder, unknowing, appreciation and active learning about sexuality and what makes people cum. (Or, more broadly, what makes people feel happy and fulfilled sexually.) Personally, I get turned on more by a relationship and communication of caring / responsiveness. The vibe I get from “Play” is more like, “I already know what’s going to make you feel good, so I don’t even need to bother learning your particular body.”

This comes across in the visual language of the commercial music video, too, where all the exercising/stereotypically hot women are presented as interchangeable. We don’t need to know why you find them hot; the ‘objective’ fact of their hotness makes them special as a category but interchangeable as individuals. (I won’t even go into the ways that the whole workout / personal trainer theme totally undermines your point about making women feel more comfortable with their bodies … I’ll just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you fought against your manager or whoever it was who insisted on that video concept.)

Adding to the sense of all-the-sameness, there’s also the standard line, “bring your friends over,” which, as usual in pop, omits any artistic details (emotional, aesthetic, or otherwise) of how that orgy might actually feel in real life. It’s just supposed to be what heteros do to get freaky. (Never hear these male pop/rap stars asking if they can bring their homeboys over to join them and the girl tho …)

To me real eroticism is about the details, the particulars — colors, textures, shapes, sounds, sensations. Being present and open enough to be surprised. And maybe “surprise” partly means what Audre Lorde defines as eroticism: powerful nonrationality. A nonrationality which, like women’s cumming, achieves much of its social value through the ways that it benefits men.

As women, we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and nonrational knowledge. We have been warned against it all our lives by the male world, which values this depth of feeling enough to keep women around in order to exercise it in the service of men, but which fears this same depth too much to examine the possibilities of it within themselves. So women are maintained at a distant/inferior position to be psychically milked, much the same way ants maintain colonies of aphids to provide a life-giving substance for their masters.

In addition to exploiting/constraining feminine sexuality, I also think this know-it-all, feminist-holla swagger impoverishes masculine sexuality. Ultimately it becomes about marketing a repertoire of sexual skills, with no need to demonstrate responsiveness, mindfulness, and openness to the many permutations of sexuality that might actually exist! Like, sure i might care if you can fuck me hard or get me wet or eat me out in some artisinal way, but i’m more concerned about how you’ll respond if i feel like i want to ask permission to cum for the first time with you. Or to lie on my stomach in a weird and possibly unflattering position. will that freak you out? turn you off? will you respond supportively? can you ask questions and aim to learn?

that relational component of sexuality also feels, to me, somehow related to subverting the masculine/feminine, male/female binary. trans and intersex embodiment, as well as genderqueerness, can help us learn how to value and prioritize the asking of questions, honoring and enjoying people’s self-determinations and peculiarities, and not assuming that we know all about someone’s body going into sex.

Which, to me, is not about having lifestyle-activism sex. But about having hotter, more creative, fun and mindful sex — unlike the boring, cookie-cutter, fake-sweaty T&A that your music video producers are giving me.

Suzuki Roshi puts it well in his classic, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”

Give me some more possibilities, please, David. That is, unless I’m someone who gets turned on when you dictate to me what I do or don’t enjoy.

But how will you find that out about me if you already think you know?

love,

Skyla

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Gratitude for:

lessons on filling and eating arepas;

pan-toasted, pestle-ground cardamom

for sprinkling into cocktail glasses;

how do so many smiles
fit under one roof?

and so many curls

(and kinks)

how did these women learn to dance

and drum

(ah, before my eyes
people teach each other salsa
in the kitchen);

“are you a lesbian?” he asks shyly,
hoping for a no;

“you know she’s single,” auntie whispers;

people teach each other

new ways to move.

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When breakups aren’t hard enough, and the universe decides to gift you with unspeakable landlord drama in addition, sometimes you need to take a moment to look at the cat in your living room, and laugh.

She is the best tiny panther.

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I first learned of this disorder through a radio commercial for some drug that’s supposed to counteract it.  The drug’s name escapes me, but it could well have been NUVIGIL®, whose web site explains SWD as a medical condition that may affect 1 in 4 people out of the “15 million Americans [who] work outside of the traditional 9 to 5 schedule.”

SWD is a medical condition that can be diagnosed and treated by a doctor

SWD occurs when your body’s internal sleep-wake clock is out of sync with your work schedule—your body is telling you to go to sleep when your work schedule needs you to stay awake.

If you work non-traditional hours and struggle to stay awake at work, you may be experiencing excessive sleepiness (ES) due to SWD.

People with ES due to SWD often struggle to stay awake during their waking hours, or have trouble sleeping during their sleeping hours.

And, of course, we then have the side effects that may be worse than the actual “condition”:

What important information should I know about NUVIGIL?

• NUVIGIL may cause serious side effects including a serious rash or a serious allergic reaction that may affect parts of your body such as your liver or blood cells, and may result in hospitalization and be life-threatening. If you develop a skin rash, hives, sores in your mouth, blisters, swelling, peeling, or yellowing of the skin or eyes, trouble swallowing or breathing, dark urine, or fever, stop taking NUVIGIL and call your doctor right away or get emergency help.
• NUVIGIL is not approved for children for any condition. It is not known if NUVIGIL is safe or if it works in children under the age of 17.
• You should not take NUVIGIL if you have had a rash or allergic reaction to NUVIGIL or PROVIGIL^® (modafinil) Tablets [C-IV], or are allergic to any of the following ingredients: modafinil, armodafinil, croscarmellose sodium, lactose monohydrate, magnesium stearate, microcrystalline cellulose, povidone, or pregelatinized starch.

What are possible side effects of NUVIGIL?

• Stop taking NUVIGIL and call your doctor or get emergency help if you get any of the following serious side effects:
  • Mental (psychiatric) symptoms, including: depression, feeling anxious, sensing things that are not really there, extreme increase in activity (mania), thoughts of suicide, aggression, or other mental problems
  • Symptoms of a heart problem, including: chest pain, abnormal heart beat, and trouble breathing
• Common side effects of NUVIGIL are headache, nausea, dizziness, and trouble sleeping. These are not all the side effects of NUVIGIL.

I honestly don’t know which is worse: (A) having white bosses or managers peg you as “lazy” because you have trouble staying alert during rotating or night shifts that fuck with your body’s natural cycles, or (B) having white doctors diagnose you with SWD and prescribe medication that makes you dizzy and nauseous and may give you difficulty breathing.  Or (C) just avoiding the whole prescription thing and getting hooked on street methamphetamines.  Either way, as I said recently:

UH GUYS IT’S NOT A PATHOLOGY IT’S CALLED WAGE SLAVERY

2.  Gender Identity Disorder (GID)

302.85 Gender Identity Disorder

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Next, let’s examine [. . .] Gender Identity Disorder. The diagnostic criteria for adults and adolescents [APA94] are:

A. A strong and persistent cross-gender identification (not merely a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex). In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as a stated desire to be the other sex, frequent passing as the other sex, desire to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex.

B. Persistent discomfort with his or her sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex. In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g., request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex.

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C. The disturbance is not concurrent with a physical intersex condition.

D. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Specify if (for sexually mature individuals) Sexually Attracted to Males, … Females,… Both, … Neither.

The clinical significant criterion, D, was added to all conditions in the Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders section. The definition of “distress or impairment” lies at the heart of the issue of pathologization of gender expression.

If you’ve read or known me for a while, you probably know that I think GID is a bunch of bullshit. Apart from the fact that it conflates sex and gender (people inhabit and express All Kinds of Genders, which certainly don’t map neatly onto a binary sex-assignment system so half-assed that it doesn’t even account for basic and common human biological diversity), GID is all wrapped up in a medical system that *requires* people to conform to this narrow script (“I was born the wrong/opposite gender”; “I’m a man/woman trapped in a woman’s/man’s body”) in order to qualify for medical treatment that ought to be available to whoever wants it. It’s called gender self-determination, people. Or the abolition of gender (someday). Take your pick.

3.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Just to be clear: I’m not saying that the so-called “disorders” in this list don’t cause people a ton of pain. It’s horrible to live on the brink of nodding off while driving trucks all day and night. It’s scary to face a society that questions and/or criminalizes and/or may kill you for failing/refusing to conform to your assigned sex and socialized gender. It’s awful to suffer nightmares, waking terrors, and flashbacks from a traumatic event. All I’m saying is that in a society that equates disorders with shamefulness and even immorality, we would do well to avoid blaming/pathologizing individuals for what are primarily social and structural problems.

This is part of why I love Operation: Recovery (led by Iraq Veterans Against the War) as a tactic of resistance to US militarization.

Operation Recovery

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Service members who experience PTSD, TBI, MST, and combat stress have the right to exit the traumatic situation and receive immediate support, and compensation. Too often, service members are forced to redeploy back into dangerous combat, or train in situations that re-traumatize them. We say, individuals suffering from trauma have the right to remove themselves from the source of the trauma. Service members who are not physically or mentally healthy shall not be forced to deploy or continue service. Learn more about what Operation Recovery is fighting for here

Rather than acquiescing to dominant narratives positing PTSD as a sign of mental weakness, IVAW reclaims woundedness and a right to heal. Racist, sexist, homophobic, imperialist, earth-degrading war is the problem; not individual combatants’ mental fragility. (a.k.a. humanity.)

4.  Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS)

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Lotta people in this world, including medical experts, simply don’t buy that MCS is a real thing.

Many experts and major medical organizations — such as the American Medical Association and the American Academy of Asthma, Allergy and Immunology — have stated that the connection between the patient’s symptoms and environmental exposures are speculative and evidence of disease is lacking. The American Medical Association Council on Scientific Affairs believes that multiple chemical sensitivity should not be considered a recognized clinical syndrome.

But hold up, Kloncke. I thought you were mad at the medical establishment for over-pathologizing. Now they’re under-pathologizing?? Make up your damn mind, girl!

Fair. But here’s why I include this one: regardless of what Science says, in the world where I live, people get harmed by chemicals. Like the webMD article says:

People who have the symptoms [including headache, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, etc] may blame them on a major event, such as a chemical spill. Or they may point to long-term contact with low levels of chemicals at work, perhaps while working in an office with poor ventilation. Reported triggers include tobacco smoke, auto exhaust, perfume, insecticide, new carpet, chorine, and countless others.

And most of the time, folks who have identified certain chemical triggers that make them feel sick have a helluva time convincing other people and institutions to take that shit seriously. So in effect, people with MCS (whether or not medical associations recognize it as a ‘real thing’) are treated as disordered and irrational, and pushed out of many spaces directly or indirectly.

But as with PTSD, GID, and SWD, the main problem isn’t individual frailty or deviance; it’s systemic oppression. Environmental illness is not an individual person’s problem. Society-wide, there’s a profit motive to manufacture goods at the cheapest rate possible in order to outdo competitors — and often this means adding cheap, unsafe chemicals and preservatives to products; manufacturing commodities in conditions that are super unsafe for workers; or constructing toxic industry in poor neighborhoods — all of which can contribute to chronic environmental illnesses.

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It’s also true that folks’ MCS can be triggered by high-end products like top-of-the-line essential oils, etc. From what I understand, this is due to an underlying reaction pattern that makes them much more sensitive to highly concentrated manufactured shit in general: even if the stuff being concentrated is sandalwood or lavender. Whatever the particular triggers, the main point is: thanks to an economy driven by profit motives, owned by a ruling class, and utterly unaccountable to regular people, poor and working-class people disproportionately have to put up with ubiquitous toxic externalities and poisons. Are we surprised when people’s bodies show significant signs of damage?

Now, bringing down these hyper-toxified manufacturers and the ruling class that controls them might take a minute. In the meantime, fortunately, there are things we can do to respect and support our friends and comrades with MCS (and probly make our own spaces a little healthier while we’re at it). Check out this recently-crafted Fragrance Free Femme Of Colour Realness guide for tips and resources!

5.  Infantile Disorder (LOL)

j/k. Lenin jokes, anyone?

This is just a partial list, drawing together various issues that have been on my mind lately. I’m sure you / we can think of more! And I do want to be really clear: I’m not arguing that all illness is socially constructed -slash- doesn’t exist. Yes, illnesses exist. “Birth, old age, sickness, and death” (as the Buddhist phrase goes). Inevitable, in many respects. What concerns me is that capitalist society blames *our bodies* for struggling to survive under *its torments.*

Eff that noise. Our bodies — in all their beautiful fragility, disability, diversity — are not the problem. You want problems?

• Wage Slavery
• Heteropatriarchy, Transphobia & Cissexism
• War
• Racist, Earth-Degrading Capitalism.

Happy Monday, friends!  See you out there.

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Tough to feel deserving of any positive blogging recognition when my updates here have been so scattered the past few months.  But as always, I’m honored and humbled by this shoutout from the wonderful engaged Buddhist writer and activist Maia Duerr.  You know how some people are mad talented at giving compliments? Maia is one of those people.  She’s so thoughtful and specific when she names what she appreciates about people’s work. You can tell she’s really moving with what they’re putting out; not just scattering praise for feel-good purposes.  Of Kloncke.com, she writes

Katie Loncke’s blog is, to me, the perfect intersection of spirit, politics, and heart.

Is that sweet or what?  Really tho.

And the best part about being tagged with this kind of blogly award?  Passing it on.  Since Maia put her own spin on the shoutout selection by limiting her list to women, I’m going to create my own parameters, too. My list consists only of people I know and build with (politically, spiritually) in person.

In my eyes, when friends / comrades / fellow travelers read each other’s blogs, we help build a culture that resists commodification; a culture that supports re-humanization.  When I read comrades’ blogs, I don’t approach them as polished objects — the way I might view a book, or even a zine to a certain extent.  Instead, I tend to see blogs as actively, dynamically extending, reflecting, and reshaping the activity of the creators’ minds and hearts.  Maybe it’s the serial, multi-directionally open-ended structure of the form: indeterminate end of the blog, indeterminate end of any given comment thread, and indeterminate scope of sharing among internet reader/participants.   Or certain roots in diarism, which give that being-let-in-on feeling.

For these and more reasons, reading a comrade’s blog isn’t just about relating to its immediate content (although I love that element).  It also informs the way I relate to the creators offline, in our evolving connections and shared work.  The blog isn’t simply or mainly an externalized, “finished” object; it also lives as a part of our ongoing dialogue, conversation, relationship.  And not just between me and the blogger(s), but in the ways I see their online work nourishing, informing, and inspiring other folks in our community.

Okay, enough geeking out!  Here are 10 blogs that continually uplift, inform, inspire, and endear me to their creators, whom I’m proud to call friends.

1. . . . Or Does It Explode?

Perhaps owing (or at least related) to his arresting poetry and visual art, Crunch writes some of the most vivid, soulful political prose I know — always sharply emotional and real, grounded in queer Black radical experience.  I imagine Audre Lorde and James Baldwin wanting to be his friend.  Offline he is grace, sharp jokes, and an unbeatable smile.

2. Huli: A Place For Very Occasional Writings

Huli’s subtitle tells no lies: there are three posts on this blog, and only two of them have words.  But they are very good posts — the two essays rich with clear argument and emotional intelligence — about struggle in Oakland and on Kauai (where she used to live and organize with native Hawai’ians).  My offline relationship with Huli kind of mirrors her blog: quality over quantity.  I see her only rarely, but every time I do, I come away with a bounty of challenging shit upon which to reflect.

3. This Is A Takeover, Not A Makeover

The breadth and depth of Sycorax’s sociopolitical knowledge might at first seem intimidating (this is a person who READS), but her theoretical firepower blends consistently with a self-reflexiveness and emotional/spiritual exploration that engage the heart as much as the head.  I love this from her latest:

Materialist Marxists cannot deny, that there is something spectacularly ‘magical’ about this human existence. In fact, I think the pursuit of communism at its heart is about the fact of our interconnectedness and interdependency as a species and as part of this universe. Capitalism is anti-social, hides our interdependency and breeds the notion that we are all discrete individuals responsible for our lot and in perfect control of our lives. Interestingly, this orientation towards life is one that is arguably aligned best with the functions of our Ego*– the part of our brain hardwired for Self preservation.

4. Caring Labor

Hella love for my anarchists, too!  Lol.  With topic tabs including “migration,” “precarity,” and “queering domesticity,” this collection of essays, articles, videos, and other dope resources on caring labor was “born as an attempt by students in the East Bay in California to understand our role in the fight to prevent the closure of a community college childcare center and the layoffs of eight childcare workers.”

5. Photo Revolution 

Good Lord I love this person’s photographs.  Dark and electric, earthy yet urban, they make me want to get up and (a) appreciate my world more fully, and (b) change it for the better, out of love.  And in addition to her visual poetry, she also has a fabulous blog with words.

6. In The Process of Being

One of the many reasons I adore this blog is the way the tags on each insightful post reinforce a radical framework and add layers of meaning.

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Offline, this author is integrity personified.  She is ‘on to herself’ (the tricks of the mind, as well as its marvelous capacities) in an absolutely real way: which is part of what makes her online writings so powerfully pithy yet down-to-earth and familiar.  She also happens to be one of my dearest friends, as well as a fly-as-hell visual artist and dancer.

7. Kissing In The Dark

One of the qualities I admire most about ChakaZ is the way she inspires so many people around her, in our community, to look deeper into reality.  Whether investigating her own ancestry, Portugese music, Romare Bearden, gentrification in West Oakland, or Black queer Marxist revolutionaries, she moves through ideas with a strong sense of purpose.  Passion that’s not only obvious, but infectious: why not move boldly?

8. Nursing School Diaries (formerly Diary of a Disparaged CNA)

Caring: a labor on stolen time is possibly one of my favorite blog posts ever written, from the perspective of a revolutionary trying to organize inside their nursing home workplace.  To me, the author of this blog embodies the quest for liberation more than anyone else I know.  SO DOPE.  So brilliant, compassionate, and openly, unapologetically human: online and in person.  Phew okay intellectual crush overload. :)

9. Clear View Blog

Having read his latest book and had the good luck to participate in a retreat, symposium, sidewalk sit, Golden Gate Bridge walk, and Engaged Buddhism study groups with Hozan Alan Senauke, I already knew his politics were solid: rooted in anti-imperialism and a global, systemic take on social transformation.  But keeping up with his (fairly new) organizational blog gives me a whole new appreciation for the ongoing prison support and international work he does.  A really amazing person to observe, and with whom to be in conversation.

10. Handful of Earth

Through her writing and in her life’s work, this person bravely offers her most vulnerable selves in pursuit of healing and justice for all beings.  Offline she is both firebrand and consummate caretaker (her couch and kitchen constantly occupied).  Online she’s resilient, fragile, and nourishing — befitting the title of her blog.

Explore and enjoy!  Much gratitude to these dope-ass bloggers and human beings.

in: indigenous

fa: familia (chosen, community, & biological)

que: queer, querida

r: revolutionary, radical

ical: magical

Since its inception, they’ve been using infaquerical as a touchstone as they navigate complexities of a nontraditional, gender-bending and anti-capitalist romance.  Castro might say to Candy: querida, I really want to spend my time with you: it’s been a hard week and my instinct is to retreat with you into our little world.  But since we’re in an infaquerical relationship I think it’s important for me to spend some time with my homies, rather than defaulting into monogamous isolation.

Or Candy (feminine-centered) might relish opening doors for Castro.

Or Castro (masculine-centered) might enjoy sitting on Candy’s lap in public.

As you might imagine, I instantly fell in love with this dope-as-hell word.  Not only for the meanings it carries, but for the process of intention that shaped it, and the ways it might live through people’s loving thoughts and actions.  Reminds me a bit of the way Ryan and I attempted to (re)define our “Open Relationship” Facebook status in the early days.

Now, over two years later, Ryan and I have decided to end our time as a couple. And I think the way we’re doing it reflects the infaquerical qualities of our time together.

• Non-blaming.  It so happens that our breakup is nobody’s fault.  If a couple (or group) decides to split up because one person wants to have children and the other(s) don’t, is anyone to blame?  Ryan’s and my situation differs in specifics, but the gist is similar: our needs and desires just don’t happen to match up. Since we’ve spent over two years together responding to our conflicts with compassionate listening rather than defensive blaming, the breakup conversation, too, remained drama-free.
• Supporting.  In addition to harboring no resentment, we each have an inclination to actively (and carefully!) support one another.  I say “carefully” because you know what?  It’s easy for us sensitive-type humans to deceive ourselves, during a breakup, into thinking that the best form of support is sustained contact and connection.  We want to show our former partner that we still care.  So we stick around.  (This has usually been my instinct, personally.)  For some people this might work out well; I’ve seen it happen once or twice.  But for many of us, “supporting” our former partner may actually mask our own desire to feel needed, wanted, and less-than-dispensable.  More important than soothing them is ensuring they have the tools they need to heal independently.  For cohabitants: do they have a place to go if they don’t want to stay at home with you?  Can you stay with a friend for a while to make space for your partner?  The stresses of making rent under capitalism can add a whole other level of stress to co-habitating couples splitting up.  Can you have conversations about housing and property that stem from a place of “from each according to ability; to each according to need”? Instead of trying to be the main person emotionally supporting your former partner, can you enlist others?  (Which brings us to:)
• Community building.  Typically when we think of a community supporting a couple, we might imagine a wedding (if we’re more mainstream) or a, Octavia-Butler-esque collective of people (and/or vampires), romantically and non-romantically involved, sharing resources and helping to raise the next generations.  But it seems to me that for infaquerical relationships, the breakup is also an important moment to deepen community ties and trust.  Especially when, as is the case with Ryan and me, the former partners share friends/comrades and important projects.  Like Candy and Castro, Ryan and I have always felt it’s important to encourage each other to deepen friendships even while remaining anchored in a primary partnership.  Now I see the fruits of this orientation.  The day Ryan and I decided to separate, I later ran into one of his friends on the street, and as we were chatting it came quite naturally to me to ask this friend to check in on Ryan, to let him know that he’s loved and cared for.  I know Ryan would do the same for me.
• Enlightening. One of the most precious aspects of our relationship — and one that I’ll carry with me — was the way Ryan and I supported each other’s Buddhist practice.  And as Thanissaro Bhikkhu says, “This is what we’ve been practicing for: the situations where the practice doesn’t come easily,” a.k.a. crises, or “storms.” A breakup like ours encourages us to cultivate paramis (positive qualities) of patience, generosity, acceptance, compassion, and determination.  And while it may not hold true for everyone, I’ve noticed that for me, times of disorientation and big emotion (Pema Chödron famously calls this “groundlessness“) can actually flow spontaneously into deeper dhamma practice.  When the mind and heart get overloaded, it can be easier to escape the tyranny of cognitive thought.  Notice more sensations; notice the quality of change itself.

When green leaves turn in the wind
I vow with all beings
to enjoy the forces that turn me
face up, face down on my stem

~Robert Aitken Roshi, a senryu verse from The Dragon Who Never Sleeps

Naturally, separating from someone we love brings pain.  Not tryna deny that sadness.  Splitting up with Ryan means losing my best friend.  But if I’ve learned anything from dharma and visionary politics, it’s that within crises — inside the instabilities: of gender, of capitalism, of heteropatriarchy, of the mind — we can also find opportunities for liberation.

With deepest gratitude to everyone who has loved and supported me and Ryan, as a couple and as independent people: you bring infaquerical to life!

love,

katie

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* Sweet corrections from Castro:

[M]y my housemate Ray, Candy and I all thought we should re-name and re-define our reality by creating an evolving framework and term that speaks to our lived experiences. So, infaquerical was a trio effort which is why it is also so wonderful because as Candy pointed out, the way we defined our reality included another person (Ray) not just the two of us.

In: Indigenous
fa: familia (chosen, community and biological)
que: querida/queer
r: radical/revolutionary
ical: magical

Infaquerical: a magical, radical, revolutionary and romantic relationship between two non-gendered conforming people; they live to restore humanity instead of living to make profit; have the desire to decolonize their mind and to abolish male supremacy; value familia (biological, chosen and communidad) and challenging male supremacist ways of thinking.

So amazing, right? Have you experienced or witnessed dynamics of infaquerical in your life? (Hehe, I know the answer is Yes because so many of y’all are dope livin-yr-politics messy queer feminist beauties) Please feel free to share testimony! I’ll be sure it makes its way back to Candy and Castro. :)

All photos from demo: some taken by me, others taken by friends.

When I heard of the call raised In Oakland, California, to “Occupy the Prisons,” I gasped. It was not an especially radical call, but it was right on time.

~Mumia Abu Jamal, Souls On Ice

As the carload of us walks back along the two-lane road toward the parking area, leaving a crowd of 500 or so outside the east gate of San Quentin, clusters of military-looking guards stud the hills above us, watching through sunglasses. We’re tired from walking and standing for a few hours. I’m feeling cranky, and a little disappointed. What was I expecting? Maybe the Occupy/Decolonize events have spoiled me with their frequent snake marches and militant ruckus-making. Shutting down banks; shutting down ports; attempting to take empty buildings for community use. Being near San Quentin (my first time) has me itching to tear down a wall or two.

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There are good reasons for urgency here. Psychological torture of solitary confinement. The particular variety of U.S.-sanctioned murder that is “capital punishment.” Immigrant detention centers. Life imprisonment without parole. Unpaid labor by inmates. Lucrative prison construction; private prisons. The generally dehumanizing conditions inside: conditions that inspire work strikes, hunger strikes. Guantánamo. A new law allowing for indefinite detention without charge or trial.

But outside the gates of San Quentin, surrounded by visible and hidden state guns, what are we to do? Consciousness raising and calling out the government seems to be the default. The little (big?) crowd cheers on speaker after speaker, many of whom invoke human rights discourse — some calling on the UN to forbid certain common incarceration practices. They urge us to phone the governor. Hey, I don’t really have a better idea. But I sure don’t trust reforms to last, to *not* be rolled back or shifted into the same ugly equilibrium some other way. So although I bear witness spiritually, and my skin ripples at the words of a political poem or the sight of a queer+feminist anti-capitalist banner, I find myself wishing, again, for more strategic analysis.

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How can we go broader, and really forge some strong allegiances in the international fight against prisons? What’s the relationship among profitable prisons, deindustrialization of the U.S., cheap labor abroad facilitated by neoliberal policy, and the “War on Drugs” as a generator of what might be considered a double reserve army: convicts tortured and disenfranchised inside; (im)migrants terrorized and disenfranchised outside? What true power can we leverage to materially move closer to prison abolition? What does the long-term big picture look like for us here in Northern California, the most-incarcerating state of the most-incarcerating ‘developed country’ in the world?

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I hear, and echo:

PRISONS, BORDERS: WE DON’T NEED ‘EM / ALL WE WANT IS TOTAL FREEDOM!

To be fair, I did hear some tight (though brief) analysis from the stage, but it wasn’t from a live person. Recorded, Mumia laid it out clean:

As [the Occupy Movement] shifted the discussion and paradigm on economic issues, it must turn the wheel of the so- called ‘Criminal Justice System’ in America, that is, in fact, a destructive, counter-productive, annual $69 billion boondoggle of repression, better-known by activists as the Prison-Industrial-Complex.

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Besides, as my friends reminded me on our walk back to the car, prison support work is as much about healing as it is about struggle. Think about it. Like many people who’ve survived sexual assault and/or abuse (which, by the way, a devastating number of people endure in prison), the suffering of prisoners is often ignored, mocked, or blamed on them. People who get out of prison often find no spaces to share their traumatizing experiences — might not want to relive them, anyway. May be feeling a lot of shame around incarceration. And so there’s enormous silence and lack of support, even for people on the outside. But today, folks testified. Showed up and listened. That’s real. And as one of the hikers imprisoned in Iran said, the state uses prisons to weaken movements, and lockup is often a place of deep despair. But when there’s strength of spirit and resistance inside, that’s a great testament to the strength of the larger movement for freedom.

INSIDE, OUTSIDE / WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME SIDE

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If you’re dorky like me, you might enjoy mapping ideas and authors onto foamcore, and adding origami balloons just for kicks.

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Housemate Aneeta and I just began mapping a few days ago. Spatial funtimes with Socially Engaged Buddhism for me; radical history timeline for her (starting with themes of Palestine and capitalism). Maybe soon she’ll give me permission to post some photos of her map.

At this stage, these are seedling projects. I hope to be conversing with my map for the next year or so. We’ll check back in after a little while, and you can see how it changes and grows!

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Got any helpful tips about this kind of thing? I’ve never done one before. I’m on the lookout for the book Mapping the Intelligence of Artistic Work; An Explorative Guide to Making, Thinking, and Writing, recommended by two Goddard faculty. Any other resources come to mind? Or lessons from your own experience? (Sycorax, I’m looking at you. ;)

Also, I’m always on the lookout for great books, articles, videos, art, etc. about Socially Engaged Buddhism (loosely defined), so if you got ‘em, send ‘em my way plz!

love,

katie

One time, one of his most beloved arboreal friends, a linden tree at Plum Village, got caught in a storm and was nearly destroyed.  Thich Nhat Hanh writes,

When I saw the linden tree after the storm, I wanted to cry.  I felt the need to touch it, but I did not get much pleasure from that touching.  I saw that the tree was suffering, and I resolved to find ways to help it.

When we resolve to help, we cultivate aspirations for the well being of others.

Buddhist culture seems full of these aspirations, no? Here’s a beautiful version — a poem by Rev. Zenju Earthlyn Manuel, based on the Metta Sutta — that my friend Anastasia posted on Facebook today.

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Aspirations for a better world, for more well being. Yes.

But that’s not the whole story. Returning to the tale of the ailing linden in Plum Village, we find:

Fortunately, our friend Scott Mayer is a doctor for trees, and he took such good care of the linden tree that now it is even stronger and more beautiful than before.

A doctor for trees! We need aspirations, yes, and we also need effort and know-how!

To be a teacher and not join in struggle is a pedagogical contradiction.

Professing to care — even caring — is only part of our mission. An important part, yes, but I think that engaged Buddhism (loosely defined) might really benefit from some deep conversations about whether and how we are joining in struggle strategically and accountably. We actually want to heal this tree! (Slash society.) Is that going to happen through kinder capitalism? Is it going to happen through lifestyle activism, recycling our way to salvation? Is it going to happen by taking over the factories, the farms, the hospitals, demanding that we run them ourselves for people not profit, and then defending them from owners/capitalists who try to repossess them? Do we want a welfare state or no state at all?

We may share hopes for universal well-being, but how can we work together to make that happen if our efforts are at odds with each other?

Thich Nhat Hanh points to this effort/aspiration combo when he says,

We may need a doctor or a nurse to help, but we also need compassion and joy for the wound to heal quickly.

For emphasis in the engaged Buddhist context, I’d flip that around and say, “We may need compassion and joy, but we also need doctors and nurses.”